I skipped work to stalk him.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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