Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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