Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
