Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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