Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
