If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
