So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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