he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he told me I talked like a deaf person
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
