apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
