Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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