Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
