Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
