high people should be assigned attendants
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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