Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
