is your mom at the bar?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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