babies were throwing up all over the place
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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