I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
