I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
