Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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