Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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