It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
