I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
