I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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