I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
