1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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