i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
