he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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