giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
