So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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