I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
