I didn't shave. On purpose
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
