I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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