he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i love accidental penises.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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