seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
