I only kidnapped one of them. chill
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have tasted many bathrooms
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
