Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have fence marks all over my body
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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