Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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