it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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