She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
