My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
