I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
