You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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