i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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