Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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