How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
