she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
