i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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