I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
