Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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