I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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