im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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