I think I just saw someone hide a body.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
