she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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