You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
