You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
