I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
