I'm going to jail i love you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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